That voice in my head...

I started this blog to share with you my struggles with weightloss - the mental side. It's the mental side that stops many people from even starting and it's a mental struggle during the process. 

"You make excuses to avoid facing your fears. And you end up with a life that's unfulfilling, because you miss out on the satisfaction that only comes from tackling something hard."

Little did I know starting my weightloss journey that it would become something bigger - my quest for reaching my real potential.  But I had to start with being aware of and tackling self-limiting thoughts and behaviors. For me it was that little voice in your head that tells you what you can/can't have, who you can/can't be, or what you can/can't do - whether from my own preconceived thoughts, unrealistic expectations, or irrational beliefs.

I let negative thoughts keep me from being successful at weightloss for too many years - here were some of the thoughts I let keep me from changing.

- It will take too much time, too much effort
- I have to take care of everyone else first, I can't be selfish (Kids, Spouse)
- I don't know how to exercise properly - I was never athletic

Two of those thoughts could easily be overcame with knowledge and a plan.  But one of those would require me to thinking differently. 

I was raised watching other mothers sacrifice for their children/spouses - it was ingrained in my thoughts as an expectation and definition of a good mother.  I choose to remember certain aspects of my ancestery that were shaped from the point of view of a child (flawed perception).  That may also be because my family currently is so completely disfunctional - that I choose to remember the good memories. 

Here's where pictures come into play - I value every picture that I have and the stories they tell, especially of my grandmother and great-grandmother.  I was privileged to be able to build memorial videos for loved ones and will always remember the bonding and healthy grieving we shared as a family during that time.  As my oldest is approaching 18 and high school graduation, I have been working on compiling photos from his entire childhood to build a video for him.  In this process, I realized that I was not proud of the pictures.

So - I had an "aha moment" and changed my way of thinking - I wasn't failing them by being selfish and taking time to take care of myself.  I was failing them by not providing pictures with experiences and lessons. I was failing them by being an unhealthy, unhappy, stressed parent and role model.  I was failing them by not living a life that showed balance.  In that moment, I was more afraid of staying the same and thinking that my daughter would follow in my shoes. 

I'm still struggling to overcome other self-limiting thoughts and behaviors on a daily basis... and will share those soon.  Thanks for reading.

Why doesn't my mind see the same thing you see?

This has been the hardest struggle for me throughout my journey. I don't see myself the same way others see me - I still see the fat, unhealthy person.

If you read my previous post, than you know that unrealistic goals and failure are hard for perfectionists.  Another trait for perfectionist is the ability to become super-focused when striving for a goal. 

Okay...so maybe I was so focused on the process that I wouldn't let my mind see the changes... and then one morning I couldn't find anything to wear - pulled the "Skinny Suit" from the back of the closet and it was soo big, it was like it belonged to a completely different person... 

After a couple of hours of crying in the closet floor - I finally had to face it. I wasn't entirely sure of what I was facing or trying to solve - I just knew I should be happy and wasn't.  Searching blogs - I learned about Self-Image issues.  But I reached out to my aunt who had successfully lost 100+ pounds and asked for her insights.  Then she said something that made sense... At that moment when the clothes were soo big - I realized that I lost myself (wow...this is still hard for me to write...) and it was time to grieve that loss.

I had ignored the fact that I needed new clothes until it stared me in the face and I had absolutely nothing to wear.  I had refused to clean out my closet because those old clothes defined who I was - they represented some milestone or achievement in my life (yep - still the perfectionist...only able to define myself by my achievements).  Okay - I have to grieve the old person and start to define the new person.

It took a few weeks, but I devised my own therapy that would get me past this...

Step 1 - Acknowledge the Old Clothes are too Big!

Step 2 - Clean Out the Closet!
(Clothes were donated to a charity for women entering the workforce)

Step 3 - Take some Progress Pictures!
(yep - it's that Size 4 Red Calvin Klein Dress)

Step 4 - Compare Before/After Pics
This was the mourning process for me.  I dug out all the old pictures I could find of myself and had duplicates printed (along with the new pics).  Closing myself in my room, I took the time to really look at those old pictures.  There were lots of tears in the process. But honestly, once I got passed the embarrassment of how I looked, I was more sad about how unhappy I appeared.  While I did see the differences between the before/afters in my size, the biggest difference I saw was my smile.  Really, there were tons of tears in this - I couldn't believe I let myself be soo unhappy.  But the regret had to come to an end - and I told myself I wouldn't blame myself or regret my past any more...signified by tearing up those old pictures. 

Did all of the old pictures get torn up? No - I kept a few because I looked happy. 
My mourning process isn't over - still have bad days...but we'll talk about those in a later blog.

I am focusing on my success and finally having a reason to smile!

My biggest flaw - setting unrealistic goals

Well, it's what I recognize as my biggest mental flaw at the moment - I'm sure there's still more to learn...

But here it goes... 

I can easily be classified as a Type A personality - which means I tend to be impatient, controlling, highly competitive, and ambitious.  I am most definitely a high-achieving workaholic who multi-tasks, drives myself with deadlines, and can be unhappy about delays.  Oh wait - let me add perfectionist tendencies...these can all be an interesting combination when it comes to goal-setting for weight loss (or transformation). 

Let me give you a hint - my goals always seem to be unrealistic or impossible.  Achieving goals has always been my focus in life... so it was all or nothing - success or failure.  Rather than being drawn to a goal by desire to achieve - I tend to impose the goal on myself by a fear of not reaching them, and see anything less than a perfectly met goal as a failure. I set a pretty high standard and expectation on the results and can become so disappointed by anything less than perfection, failure always has been a very scary prospect.

Using my business background - I knew it was important to pick a statistic or metric that encompassed more than one input.  I looked at goal setting from a holistic approach - concentrating on Body Composition rather than just relying on weight and/or measurements.  If I could hit Body Composition goals, than I was doing all parts of the lifestyle change right - diet and exercise.

So I soon memorized this chart:

So starting at 28.5%, my first self-imposed goal was 24%.  The goal in itself was achievable - however, the timeline that I gave myself was unrealistic.  So - now comes my first failure.  I could have kept all the drama of failure in my head - except that the failure was public.  So I didn't just fail myself, but would disappoint my personal trainer also. I can laugh about it now - but the poor personal trainer didn't know what to say.... I was soo disappointed that I missed that ONE NUMBER, that I refused to look at the other successful numbers (10 lbs and over 7 inches). I was doing everything within my power to not breakdown in tears - or get soo mad that I just ended the session early.  I looked at it as a complete failure. 

And then I went through the stages - anger at myself, denial that I failed, bargaining with myself, and finally acceptance that I failed.  So now it was time to set the next goal... here we go again!

Determined that I was not failing again, I set the next goal as 21%.  The night before weigh in - I went for a little retail therapy and randomly picked up a red dress at my local TJMaxx.  I dubbed it my reality check dress - as I was having a hard time accepting any of the success because of my failures on my unrealistic goals.  After a closet full of size 10-12s, that size 4 Calvin Klein dress was a wake up call.  So I made a deal with myself - that I would venture outside of my comfort zone and wear the dress if I hit the 21% goal. 

But the goal was established with an unrealistic timeline again - and I missed it yet again.  I didn't care how close I came - instead just asking for either yes or no.  I spent the entire session, not knowing how close I came.  A second failure really took an impact on my mind... I refused to acknowledge the success I did have (12 lbs and 7 inches lost). I really wanted to quit at this point - how could I even go into work when my closest co-workers would learn that I failed again.

So how did I get past that 2nd failure? I took a quote I had read - "Fake it until your mind matches" - and made myself wear the red dress to work.  I had never owned a size 4 before in my life!  The reactions and responses from coworkers became the external validation I was looking for that proved I was making positive progress! 

How do I set goals today?  I have added fitness achievement goals to the mix in addition to the body composition.  I'm looking forward to my 2nd Half Marathon in early December, to see if I can beat my personal record.




 

Finding vs. Creating

Life isn't about finding yourself.  Life is about creating yourself.

I heard this quote recently during a Women's Leadership Conference and it made me think...
Yep - when I do start thinking, my mind tends to wonder into many different areas - it's kind of a game - 6 degrees of separation - trying to figure out how I went from one thought to the last.

But as I pondered the statement, my initial reaction was "Wow! I have been thinking the wrong way!"  Here's how I interpreted the quote: 

Don't let the past define your current self; it's the decisions you make on a daily basis that create the person you currently are...  Are you in control or are your surroundings in control (i.e. excuses)?

Aww... Control - something I love!  Now, sometimes I use control to not face my fears, but we won't cover that today.  This is the control you have in your decisions and choices you make every day. 

How your choose to see the world is a conscience decision...

How you choose to spend your time... (exercise or no exercise)

What you choose to eat... (healthy or unhealthy)

We will come back to this topic again - as I continue to assess how to change my own way of thinking and use this to develop the next set of goals and overcome fears. 

So from this day forward, I will focus every decision on how it creates the person I want to be...

What are you doing?

I get this question frequently - if I actually admitted (with full disclosure) everything I am doing today in my journey - it would scare even the most athletic.  Why? I can admit that I am now an addict - I definitely show signs of an obsessive disorder (that's a topic for another blog...).  But I didn't start off that way...  I made small changes along the way. Remember that a journey begins with one step...

If you have read my Weightloss Journey, than you know that food is 70% of the weightloss equation.  So start with the thing with the biggest payback (i.e. Faster Results). Does this mean extreme dieting? No.  Here's how I started my Healthy Eating change one step at a time:

• Portion Sizes
• Track Calories using www.myfitnesspal.com
• Limit Calories to 1700 a day
• Limit Calories to 1500 a day
• Limit Calories to 1300 a day

I didn't start eliminating food from my diet until I started decreasing the amount of calories allowed per day.  Things I eliminated at the beginning? Sodas and other empty calorie drinks. I never said No to something I wanted - but I would eat a smaller portion. 

What did I learn? Because I became more aware of the calories and portion sizes - my thinking started to change.  Instead of mindless eating, everything became a decision - was it worth the calories? One decision at a time = one step at a time. 

I loved the myfitnesspal tool on my iPhone - I was able to make wise choices while ordering food or before I ate it.  I once even used it while in the drive-through lane of a fast food restaurant! I know there are other tools used to log food - but for me they didn't work because I was logging after the fact.  In order to truely change behavior/thinking, than it has to be something done at the point in time the decision is made.

Here's a quote I found that fits this for me:

When we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. No need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. We cannot take more than one step at a time.

Will you be perfect along the way with your diet? No - we are human.  It's getting back up and making another step in the right direction that makes the difference. You can do this!

One meal at a time...

One day at a time...

One week at a time...

If you think you can't...

So how did I come up with the title for my blog? Well - Let me tell you a little bit more about me...

Currently in my job, I work for a Fortune 100 company as a specialist in Human Resources, specifically the area of Change Leadership or Change Management. What does that mean? As companies roll out new technologies, processes, or systems, my job is to anticipate the people side of the change.  This includes looking for potential areas of resistance, creating persuasive communications, training, etc...  Not to get too technical in jargon - I am considered an expert in Change. So I know that behavior and culture are the two hardest things to change without compelling reasons.

It was ironic that I had all the tools and knowledge at my disposal on how to make difficult changes stick. It was time for the physician to heal thyself!

Hmm...Compelling Reason.  We've all made new years resolutions or commitments to change (lose weight, get fit, eat healthier, etc...) and failed.  Instead of looking at all the reasons why failure happened - let's look at it differently

Were you changing for the right reason?

Was that reason compelling enough?

One of the things I have learned in my job when faced with potential resistance - is to ask why?  I like to call it the Five Why game - keep asking yourself why until you get to the real reason.  Here's my Five Whys:

Statement: I need to lose weight and get in shape

Why?  So I'm not embarrassed by pictures

Why? So my kids have something to look back at and be proud of

Why? I am not being a good role model for my children

Why? I am not being the best parent or spouse

Why? I don't like myself

So if you think you can't change, you won't.  Get to the right reason - that compelling reason that forces you to be uncomfortable by staying the same - and start thinking you can - because you have to...

P.S. Want to have a little fun? Try the Five Why game with your kids or spouse... :-)

Where my story begins...

How do you start your first blog? That may be a laughable comment - anyone who knows me, knows that there are "lots" of things swirling in my head at any one given time.  Yes - some days you can see my mental disorders well - and others days, I am successful at hiding them.

Now on to the real topic - my weight loss journey.  As I stated above in the information section, I am starting this blog after successfully losing over 100 pounds.  Why now? Well, there are lots of things going on in my head and reconciling them will be another journey.  I am by nature an introspective person, so I'm letting it all out on this blog.

Another reason for this blog is to share my story with others.  If it inspires just one person to transform their lives, than I will have done the right thing.  I've been asked "how" so many times - this is a perfect way to reflect on the journey and share the steps, decisions, and changes made to get to this point.

Hope you enjoy the stories - if all else you can smile at my mental humor.