Why doesn't my mind see the same thing you see?

This has been the hardest struggle for me throughout my journey. I don't see myself the same way others see me - I still see the fat, unhealthy person.

If you read my previous post, than you know that unrealistic goals and failure are hard for perfectionists.  Another trait for perfectionist is the ability to become super-focused when striving for a goal. 

Okay...so maybe I was so focused on the process that I wouldn't let my mind see the changes... and then one morning I couldn't find anything to wear - pulled the "Skinny Suit" from the back of the closet and it was soo big, it was like it belonged to a completely different person... 

After a couple of hours of crying in the closet floor - I finally had to face it. I wasn't entirely sure of what I was facing or trying to solve - I just knew I should be happy and wasn't.  Searching blogs - I learned about Self-Image issues.  But I reached out to my aunt who had successfully lost 100+ pounds and asked for her insights.  Then she said something that made sense... At that moment when the clothes were soo big - I realized that I lost myself (wow...this is still hard for me to write...) and it was time to grieve that loss.

I had ignored the fact that I needed new clothes until it stared me in the face and I had absolutely nothing to wear.  I had refused to clean out my closet because those old clothes defined who I was - they represented some milestone or achievement in my life (yep - still the perfectionist...only able to define myself by my achievements).  Okay - I have to grieve the old person and start to define the new person.

It took a few weeks, but I devised my own therapy that would get me past this...

Step 1 - Acknowledge the Old Clothes are too Big!

Step 2 - Clean Out the Closet!
(Clothes were donated to a charity for women entering the workforce)

Step 3 - Take some Progress Pictures!
(yep - it's that Size 4 Red Calvin Klein Dress)

Step 4 - Compare Before/After Pics
This was the mourning process for me.  I dug out all the old pictures I could find of myself and had duplicates printed (along with the new pics).  Closing myself in my room, I took the time to really look at those old pictures.  There were lots of tears in the process. But honestly, once I got passed the embarrassment of how I looked, I was more sad about how unhappy I appeared.  While I did see the differences between the before/afters in my size, the biggest difference I saw was my smile.  Really, there were tons of tears in this - I couldn't believe I let myself be soo unhappy.  But the regret had to come to an end - and I told myself I wouldn't blame myself or regret my past any more...signified by tearing up those old pictures. 

Did all of the old pictures get torn up? No - I kept a few because I looked happy. 
My mourning process isn't over - still have bad days...but we'll talk about those in a later blog.

I am focusing on my success and finally having a reason to smile!