2010's Final Run... Lessons I have learned

I've been contemplating the last blog for 2010 for some time. How do I summarize this year? How do I acknowledge the success while still feeling like it's not completed? How can I celebrate the successes when I know my hardest battle is ahead of me?

And then I was discouraged in this morning's gym time, I lacked the mental and emotional energy to do what I know I am able to do... struggled to run on the treadmill, struggled with strength training, couldn't focus while even stretching. But then a friend posted something on Facebook to encourage me, to get me out of my funk... and not an old friend who has followed me through this journey - a new friend.  And that made me smile...then I played the video - two things stuck with me - Smile and Sunshine.

So, it's December 31st in Dallas and 62 degrees with sunshine (although a little windy) - I decided to take my final outside run for the year. And the moment of clarity came when I started remembering back to those first few times running in my neighborhood...

I remember that first run and telling myself - one day I want to be able to run the entire length.  But when we started, I focused on running the length of a telephone pole and walk the next one...slowly increasing and building the length.  Today - I went to run that entire length again.  I could have ran it with the wind pushing me - but instead chose to run into the wind. And that's when I realized what I have learned over the past year with running...

1. Set a goal and tackle it in chunks. Being overly ambitious can bring frustration.
2. Outside air and sunshine make even the most unpleasant tasks easier.
3. Take life one step at a time - whether that step is limping, walking, jogging, or sprinting...just take that step forward.  Hey - It's even okay if someone is helping to carry you that step forward!
4. Run into the wind - it will only make you stronger.
5. Running needs a positive, determined, and resilient attitude - So does life.
6. Register for that Race! Hearing complete strangers cheer you on is amazing...
7. Great friendships are developed with running partners. Friendships who offer encouragement and support - friends who can say just the right thing to motivate you to keep going (or motivate you to show up)!
8. New tennis shoes or running apparel are great motivators.  It's fun how something as small as a new white jacket can somehow make me run faster!
9. Don't think - Just breathe and do it! Lose yourself in the moment...For me, I had to learn to get my brain to check out and trust that my body is capable of doing this...
10. You will never experience anything in life like crossing a Finish Line! Whether it's that first finish line or a finish line with a new personal best record... and you never know what's waiting for you at the finish line...

So, now I'm ready to tackle 2011.  What's in store?  Well - now I'm adding to the running partners as we tackle a few more 1/2 marathons...and we will conquer our first triathlons while also preparing for our first marathon in January 2012 at Walt Disney World!

Enabling your own success...

Okay - lately it's been a reflective time during my journey over the past year - and I will let go of something I have held in my head for some time...  This is me stepping outside of my controlled boundaries and sharing how I am really feeling.


I am codependent and an enabler. Pure and simple.  It was the only way I would feel good about myself - to "take care of" or  "save" others.  I know this is a learned behavior that CAN BE changed! So - I am facing this behavior head on...although not everyone around me is liking this.

How am I tackling this? Awareness of Behavior Traits, Understanding my own Thought Processes, Creating Healthy Experiences.

Awareness of Behavior - This is by no means an exhaustive list of all my craziness! But which behaviors I am emotionally connected to at the moment...

• Give Too Much
• Anticipate other people's needs
• Feel safest when giving.
• Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
• Low Self Worth
• Reject compliments or praise
• Think they're not quite good enough.
• Settle for being needed.
• Repress Emotions
• Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt
• Become afraid to let themselves be who they are
• Appear rigid and controlled
• Stay busy so they don't have to think about things
• Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy
• Have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately
• Relationships with Others
• Look for happiness outside themselves
• Act out of a sincere, if misguided, sense of love and loyalty
• Often seek love from people incapable of loving
• Try to prove they're good enough to be loved
• Lost interest in their own lives when they love
• Stay in relationships that don't work

I'll let you know how the rest of the process works out... Understanding my own thought processes is going to take some deep digging.  But even the act of posting this is recognizing my fear of showing my true emotions and experiencing the ability to breathe with a clear mind over that...

I accept responsibility for my own thoughts, emotions, reactions, behaviors - and ultimately my own happiness!

Be Honest with Yourself...

It's been a while since my last posting, still working through this journey of creating the person I want to be... In learning to like myself, I have to be willing to let go of enabling tendencies and confront those self-esteem issues head on. I came across an interesting concept - emotional honesty.
Emotional dishonesty is when we do and say things that are not true to what we feel within our hearts - we are being deceitful to ourselves.

If you think about relationships whether work, marriage, or family - honesty and trust are foundations for healthy relationships.  In working on that relationship you have with yourself - are you being honest about your own emotions? My answer - was no. 

I have been emotionally dishonest in order to protect myself from feeling real pain/heartache and also because I was ashamed of myself (my weight). It was easier to detach myself from the situation than to feel the real emotions I should have...and this has been a continuous. 

So before I can learn to like myself - I need to be honest. Honest with myself about how I feel in certain situations, honest with myself about my strengths, and honest with how I truly feel about this person I am. So my first honest acknowledgement - I am a really screwed up person! I knew I was crazy...but now I can smile when I admit it to myself!

If you can't be honest with yourself, you can never reach the self-realization you need to in order to embrace change.  This is part of getting the head right - so you can be successful at weightloss.  Be honest with yourself on why you weren't able to stick to a plan, be honest with yourself why you quit trying, be honest with yourself about the support you need to stay motivated, be honest with yourself why you want to change.

Can a Finish Line be the Start of Something New?

Many times we think of the Finish Line as the marker of success - that all your hard work early pays off in the end. Yep - me and that success thing again - measuring my self worth by achievements.

On Sunday as I ran my 2nd Half Marathon in 4 weeks, I let this race represent more than just another finish line.  Well - "let" is probably not the right word, since I self-impose things on myself frequently.  I "chose" this race and this finish line to represent my entire journey over the past year.

While I embraced the idea that it was time to change in 2010 and managed to implement change, my head struggled with accepting everything.  So that Finish Line represented my acceptance of success on this tranformation journey. 

• I accept that I was successful with the courage to take on this battle with weight.
• I accept that I was successful with the determination needed to accomplish this journey EVERY DAY.
• I accept that I was smart enough to know when I needed help and support and that I didn't need to go through this by myself.
• I accept that I was humble enough to listen to others advice, feedback, coaching, and overall moral support.
• And last, I accept that this was a major and impressive feat and it's time to celebrate and acknowledge this.

Dallas White Rock Half Marathon 2010

I set an agressive goal for this race - 2:00 - which would have been a marked improvement over my first race at 2:27.  While I typically start thinking of all the reasons why I can't accomplish my goals, I woke up two days before the race with a different perspective.  I can meet my goal because I am strong and my body can keep up with the demands I put on it.  I finally like myself and my body (flaws and all)... I was going out on that course and running all the mental toxins out of my body.  I was going to push myself so that I was uncomfortable for the entire race - you can't change by staying in your comfort zone.

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be....  Sunday's Race was very emotional for me... I started that race as one person and with each mile I started to embrace the idea of the person I AM MEANT TO BE.

My foot on that finish line didn't mean as much to me - it was closing the book on that old person. The most important step in that race was that first step after the Finish Line - when I started a new book with this new person I am becoming, that person who is meant for something greater.

I can't wait for the next race/next challenge in life - I have more to give every day and I will live life to the fullest when I challenge myself to be uncomfortable. I still have to meet my goal of under 2:00!

Living Life Backwards...

A friend posted this quote on her facebook recently - and brought back my own struggles and resolution to stop regretting the past.

"No one can go back and make a brand new beginning,

but anyone can begin now and make a brand new ending."

Regret can be crippling on your thoughts and behaviors and is one of the biggest parts of my mental side of this journey.   My first major regret hurdle was in the beginning - when your head finally quits making excuses for the past and you take that first step forward to making a positive change. 

But my hardest struggle with regret happened along the journey - when success was becoming real. I went into this thinking a size 8 would be a success (assumed this would be around 160 lbs).  But when I put on that size 4 (tried on 10 different things to verify it was really that size and not the brand), it never entered my mind as something I could ever achieve.  Yes - I know this sounds odd - most people struggle with the ongoing, daily motivation and here I was paralyzed by surpassing expectations. 

So here comes the regret and fear.... regret that I may have limited myself from real success in the past... fear of being able to achieve future success. To a small extent, I question whether I deserve the success.  For me it was easier to avoid the success altogether and live in denial - rather than tackle the real issues. 

Because I had defined myself by me successes, when the unachievable did happen - I questioned whether they were really success measures.  Yeah - Perfectionism, Goal-Oriented - and now my world just got turned upside down for all those things I thought were real.  I spent time questioning all the major decisions in my life - spent sleepless nights on the "what ifs" for changing the past.  And with each day, I became more sad and mad at myself.  And the more mad I got at myself, the more I took it out at the gym...

I can always tell my mental moods by the music that inspires me in the gym - and during this time - it was a LOT of angry rock music.... like "I'm so sick" by Flyleaf, "I'm coming undone" by Korn, "Sickness" by Disturbed, and "Killing in the Name" by Rage Against the Machine.... See the recurring theme in these?

But then the denial had to come to an end (with a not so gentle nudge from a friend who called me out on my BS), it was time I started acknowledging the success and be proud of it.  But it wasn't a single moment that I was able to change from regret to focusing on the future - it was slowly every day working through those emotions until the music just didn't have the same reaction for me. I realized that I couldn't change the past - that every decision made in the past helped shape me to be the person I am today.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

There are still days I can't really believe I did this! But I am looking hard for that opened door - because I know there is something out there that will allow me to be myself - the Full Strength, Hyped up on Pre-Workout Energy Drinks person that I am!

So...for me - there’s no more Next Time... It's about now or never.

I am an Athlete!

Okay - don't laugh at me... This is a little bit of positive self-talk...
I am an athlete...I am an athlete...I am an athlete...I am an athlete...

I know I have been sharing my mental struggles through my journey - but this one is how my journey turned into a transformation! It was a turning point for my head - no more fear, challenging my self-limiting thoughts/behaviors, and rewriting how I defined myself.

There is humor in this...and sweat, sore muscles, fractured bones, bruises (body and ego), and one kick-butt personal trainer!

Okay - so let's go back to this little chart that I obsessed about - developed goals over - and became the measure of my success...

If you read my earlier blog - all of my goals focused around achieving a body fat composition number. But this is about the labels associated with each.  In my mind, I could go from "Acceptable" to "Fitness" to "Athlete" by achieving the composition percentages.  One of the flaws in my goal setting was not correctly defining what 20% LOOKED like - instead letting the label be the only definition.  So...in essence - I WANTED TO BE AN ATHLETE!

But the funny part - my head didn't really know it wanted to be an athlete - my body definitely didn't sign up for that journey!  This was buried deep into my subconscious...

I had defined myself, my selfworth, and ultimately my happiness by my ability to achieve goals.  Growing up - I was never athletic in any way - I was the smart one.  And I defined my career by those definitions of myself that were formed from past experiences and memories.  Being one of four kids - we had to be differentiated to maintain identity.  As long as I stayed more successful or smarter than everyone else - I got to keep that definition of myself and was meeting everyone's expectation. I never played a team sport as a child.  As a matter of fact, I somehow graduated high school never having to experience PE or sports at all! Heck - I even failed water aerobics in college because of attendance!

So - now the unathletic, fat person with screwed up head meets the gym and personal trainer...  Let me add to the twist - I can be quite stubborn and HATE failure. 

Gyms can be intimidating places for some (especially that unathletic, fat person with screwed up head)... worried about what others think about you, was I doing the exercise the right way, was I wearing appropriate clothes, etc... So it was easy when I worked out on my own - to stick to only those few machines that I knew. 

Each personal training session pushed me and made me uncomfortable. Why? My head kept getting in the way - kept telling me all the things I couldn't do/shouldn't do. Mentally, I couldn't bring myself to do certain exercises - because I had defined the exercise as something a fat person wouldn't do. But I also was afraid of being a failure or not meeting my trainer's expectations. 



My Nike Attitude T-Shirt
says I am an AthElite!



And when my trainer wouldn't accept "no," I learned a new technique for avoidance - overthinking.  So - I wouldn't say no...I would stall and say I'm thinking about it.  It was a way for me to stay in control... I knew my own boundaries right?  These words were yelled at me frequently - Don't Think - Just Do It!

Week after week - those boundaries got pushed...some days I left mad or disappointed in my performance...but most days I left with one new accomplishment - winning the head battle. Confronting the uncomfortable somehow made my irrational fears disappear, transformed the way I thought about myself, and ultimately carried into other areas of my life.

Finish Line!

I am now addicting to pushing my limits on a daily basis - establishing life goals/bucket list items that include athletic events.  I finished my first Half Marathon in October 2010 - and the confidence and strength you get when training for a race and crossing that finish line are amazing!

"When you move beyond your fear, you feel free."

But I couldn't have done this without my trainer - I needed someone to kick my butt and make it fun! Do you need a trainer to do this? You need a support network that helps push you, motivate you, celebrate successes, pick you up when your down, and won't let you give up.  This could be a friend, a workout partner, your spouse, or a personal trainer... but most important - this is someone you trust and can call you out on your BS.