I am an Athlete!

Okay - don't laugh at me... This is a little bit of positive self-talk...
I am an athlete...I am an athlete...I am an athlete...I am an athlete...

I know I have been sharing my mental struggles through my journey - but this one is how my journey turned into a transformation! It was a turning point for my head - no more fear, challenging my self-limiting thoughts/behaviors, and rewriting how I defined myself.

There is humor in this...and sweat, sore muscles, fractured bones, bruises (body and ego), and one kick-butt personal trainer!

Okay - so let's go back to this little chart that I obsessed about - developed goals over - and became the measure of my success...

If you read my earlier blog - all of my goals focused around achieving a body fat composition number. But this is about the labels associated with each.  In my mind, I could go from "Acceptable" to "Fitness" to "Athlete" by achieving the composition percentages.  One of the flaws in my goal setting was not correctly defining what 20% LOOKED like - instead letting the label be the only definition.  So...in essence - I WANTED TO BE AN ATHLETE!

But the funny part - my head didn't really know it wanted to be an athlete - my body definitely didn't sign up for that journey!  This was buried deep into my subconscious...

I had defined myself, my selfworth, and ultimately my happiness by my ability to achieve goals.  Growing up - I was never athletic in any way - I was the smart one.  And I defined my career by those definitions of myself that were formed from past experiences and memories.  Being one of four kids - we had to be differentiated to maintain identity.  As long as I stayed more successful or smarter than everyone else - I got to keep that definition of myself and was meeting everyone's expectation. I never played a team sport as a child.  As a matter of fact, I somehow graduated high school never having to experience PE or sports at all! Heck - I even failed water aerobics in college because of attendance!

So - now the unathletic, fat person with screwed up head meets the gym and personal trainer...  Let me add to the twist - I can be quite stubborn and HATE failure. 

Gyms can be intimidating places for some (especially that unathletic, fat person with screwed up head)... worried about what others think about you, was I doing the exercise the right way, was I wearing appropriate clothes, etc... So it was easy when I worked out on my own - to stick to only those few machines that I knew. 

Each personal training session pushed me and made me uncomfortable. Why? My head kept getting in the way - kept telling me all the things I couldn't do/shouldn't do. Mentally, I couldn't bring myself to do certain exercises - because I had defined the exercise as something a fat person wouldn't do. But I also was afraid of being a failure or not meeting my trainer's expectations. 



My Nike Attitude T-Shirt
says I am an AthElite!



And when my trainer wouldn't accept "no," I learned a new technique for avoidance - overthinking.  So - I wouldn't say no...I would stall and say I'm thinking about it.  It was a way for me to stay in control... I knew my own boundaries right?  These words were yelled at me frequently - Don't Think - Just Do It!

Week after week - those boundaries got pushed...some days I left mad or disappointed in my performance...but most days I left with one new accomplishment - winning the head battle. Confronting the uncomfortable somehow made my irrational fears disappear, transformed the way I thought about myself, and ultimately carried into other areas of my life.

Finish Line!

I am now addicting to pushing my limits on a daily basis - establishing life goals/bucket list items that include athletic events.  I finished my first Half Marathon in October 2010 - and the confidence and strength you get when training for a race and crossing that finish line are amazing!

"When you move beyond your fear, you feel free."

But I couldn't have done this without my trainer - I needed someone to kick my butt and make it fun! Do you need a trainer to do this? You need a support network that helps push you, motivate you, celebrate successes, pick you up when your down, and won't let you give up.  This could be a friend, a workout partner, your spouse, or a personal trainer... but most important - this is someone you trust and can call you out on your BS.