Neglect and Final Destinations

Yes - it's been a very long time since I posted anything here.
Why?  Hmmm - that answer is complicated - let's just say it might offer many more postings in the near future.  So I have neglected this site, struggling with pleasing everyone, frustrated by lack of inspiration, frantically searching for motivation to continue the journey.

So what have I been up to since I last posted? Honestly, not anything I can vaguely remember as significant.
Seemed lost - going through the motions of life - regained a little weight, adapting to changes, but bottling up emotions to maintain appearance of everything all good.  Probably why there weren't many posts - you can't fake writing about what's in your head.

So - my mindless meandering through the Internet - looking for something to represent my latest running achievements and came across this...

Focus on the Journey... Not the Destination

I just finished my first marathon in December and the Goofy Challenge (39.3 miles) in January and I'm struggling to feel a sense of accomplishment.  The quote sums it up - I was so focused on the destination, the finish line - that I lost any sense of the journey leading up to those two events.  The races themselves seemed surreal.

So - back to the drawing board - must tell myself every day to Focus on the Journey...

Reflecting on my journey... a year later...

Okay - so Facebook likes to show you what was on your mind a year ago by displaying your status update...

August 28, 2010 - "Cleaning out the closet today... hoping for mental clarity"
Lots of things went through my head at that moment...

• Seriously? It's been a year already? 
• WOW! I never expected this much change in search of mental clarity.
• How many times have I cleaned out my closet since then? What else have I cleaned out hoping for mental clarity?
• Do I really have mental clarity today?

A year ago I unveiled my weightloss and realized that there was still a lot of work ahead - learning more about myself along the way. 

Of course, I could spend this blog focusing on the challenges over the past year. But those are all documented in other postings - so I make this more like a celebration!

Or my typical mental self could focus on self-improvement in search of mental clarity... but I choose to appreciate the journey and not antogonize myself with perfection. This truly has been a lifestyle change and I am a different person because of this journey...

But the journey is never over - so here's a toast to this milestone!

• Challenging or Pushing yourself is important for continuous self-improvement, but achieving balance and harmony in life is where happiness happens.
• You can't love someone until you love yourself unconditionally.
• Don't waste time regretting the past - learn from it.
• Ego and Pride can make for a nasty bike wreck.
• You don't have to go on this journey alone - others have traveled the same road.
• Give back and help others who are starting out on their journey.
• I am an athlete because I pushed myself past self-imposed limits.
• I am a triathlete because someone was a true partner and encouraged me along the way.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage....
Life expands exponentially when someone is beside you during moments of courage.



A Bike and a Bulldozer...

Yes - still on the recent bike injury and recovery...
Despite the success I had in 2010, right now I feel disappointed - in my life, achievement to goals, and with myself.

As I get ready to be medically released, I don't know what I expected.  Knew I wouldn't be back to the way I was before the accident, but didn't expect where I am today.  And I am in shock that my attitude can flip from confident to insecure. Feeling insecure just makes me doubt the success - did I really achieve anything?

Most injured athletes agree that keeping one’s mental balance is both the hardest and the most important aspect of recovery and well-being. But I'm not a real athlete...my livelihood isn't dependent on my recovery.  UGHHHH....

So - my challenge is how to maintain perspective when my mind is making mincemeat of my confidence and future goals.  See - there's me and that goal thing again... now it's a sense of uncertainty that I will really have any more goals for the future.  So because I couldn't make this goal of completing a triathlon, should I give up on all goals? Better yet - will I ever get on the bike again.

Why am I letting this bother me? Because up to this point, I really didn't have any problems that I couldn't just "bulldoze" my way through.  I kept my head down and just pushed ahead - sometimes at unsafe speeds...

I thought I had made the approriate reflection time during recovery, but as I try to get back into the groove - I can't just pick up where I left off.  I can't do the same things, my body hurts more, oh... and dieting is harder. 

As the message gets stronger, so the journey continues - self-acceptance.  Time for me to learn to accept who I am and where I am today. I'll trade the bulldozer to be a better mom... but the bike - well... I guess stay tuned.