That voice in my head...

I started this blog to share with you my struggles with weightloss - the mental side. It's the mental side that stops many people from even starting and it's a mental struggle during the process. 

"You make excuses to avoid facing your fears. And you end up with a life that's unfulfilling, because you miss out on the satisfaction that only comes from tackling something hard."

Little did I know starting my weightloss journey that it would become something bigger - my quest for reaching my real potential.  But I had to start with being aware of and tackling self-limiting thoughts and behaviors. For me it was that little voice in your head that tells you what you can/can't have, who you can/can't be, or what you can/can't do - whether from my own preconceived thoughts, unrealistic expectations, or irrational beliefs.

I let negative thoughts keep me from being successful at weightloss for too many years - here were some of the thoughts I let keep me from changing.

- It will take too much time, too much effort
- I have to take care of everyone else first, I can't be selfish (Kids, Spouse)
- I don't know how to exercise properly - I was never athletic

Two of those thoughts could easily be overcame with knowledge and a plan.  But one of those would require me to thinking differently. 

I was raised watching other mothers sacrifice for their children/spouses - it was ingrained in my thoughts as an expectation and definition of a good mother.  I choose to remember certain aspects of my ancestery that were shaped from the point of view of a child (flawed perception).  That may also be because my family currently is so completely disfunctional - that I choose to remember the good memories. 

Here's where pictures come into play - I value every picture that I have and the stories they tell, especially of my grandmother and great-grandmother.  I was privileged to be able to build memorial videos for loved ones and will always remember the bonding and healthy grieving we shared as a family during that time.  As my oldest is approaching 18 and high school graduation, I have been working on compiling photos from his entire childhood to build a video for him.  In this process, I realized that I was not proud of the pictures.

So - I had an "aha moment" and changed my way of thinking - I wasn't failing them by being selfish and taking time to take care of myself.  I was failing them by not providing pictures with experiences and lessons. I was failing them by being an unhealthy, unhappy, stressed parent and role model.  I was failing them by not living a life that showed balance.  In that moment, I was more afraid of staying the same and thinking that my daughter would follow in my shoes. 

I'm still struggling to overcome other self-limiting thoughts and behaviors on a daily basis... and will share those soon.  Thanks for reading.

Why doesn't my mind see the same thing you see?

This has been the hardest struggle for me throughout my journey. I don't see myself the same way others see me - I still see the fat, unhealthy person.

If you read my previous post, than you know that unrealistic goals and failure are hard for perfectionists.  Another trait for perfectionist is the ability to become super-focused when striving for a goal. 

Okay...so maybe I was so focused on the process that I wouldn't let my mind see the changes... and then one morning I couldn't find anything to wear - pulled the "Skinny Suit" from the back of the closet and it was soo big, it was like it belonged to a completely different person... 

After a couple of hours of crying in the closet floor - I finally had to face it. I wasn't entirely sure of what I was facing or trying to solve - I just knew I should be happy and wasn't.  Searching blogs - I learned about Self-Image issues.  But I reached out to my aunt who had successfully lost 100+ pounds and asked for her insights.  Then she said something that made sense... At that moment when the clothes were soo big - I realized that I lost myself (wow...this is still hard for me to write...) and it was time to grieve that loss.

I had ignored the fact that I needed new clothes until it stared me in the face and I had absolutely nothing to wear.  I had refused to clean out my closet because those old clothes defined who I was - they represented some milestone or achievement in my life (yep - still the perfectionist...only able to define myself by my achievements).  Okay - I have to grieve the old person and start to define the new person.

It took a few weeks, but I devised my own therapy that would get me past this...

Step 1 - Acknowledge the Old Clothes are too Big!

Step 2 - Clean Out the Closet!
(Clothes were donated to a charity for women entering the workforce)

Step 3 - Take some Progress Pictures!
(yep - it's that Size 4 Red Calvin Klein Dress)

Step 4 - Compare Before/After Pics
This was the mourning process for me.  I dug out all the old pictures I could find of myself and had duplicates printed (along with the new pics).  Closing myself in my room, I took the time to really look at those old pictures.  There were lots of tears in the process. But honestly, once I got passed the embarrassment of how I looked, I was more sad about how unhappy I appeared.  While I did see the differences between the before/afters in my size, the biggest difference I saw was my smile.  Really, there were tons of tears in this - I couldn't believe I let myself be soo unhappy.  But the regret had to come to an end - and I told myself I wouldn't blame myself or regret my past any more...signified by tearing up those old pictures. 

Did all of the old pictures get torn up? No - I kept a few because I looked happy. 
My mourning process isn't over - still have bad days...but we'll talk about those in a later blog.

I am focusing on my success and finally having a reason to smile!

My biggest flaw - setting unrealistic goals

Well, it's what I recognize as my biggest mental flaw at the moment - I'm sure there's still more to learn...

But here it goes... 

I can easily be classified as a Type A personality - which means I tend to be impatient, controlling, highly competitive, and ambitious.  I am most definitely a high-achieving workaholic who multi-tasks, drives myself with deadlines, and can be unhappy about delays.  Oh wait - let me add perfectionist tendencies...these can all be an interesting combination when it comes to goal-setting for weight loss (or transformation). 

Let me give you a hint - my goals always seem to be unrealistic or impossible.  Achieving goals has always been my focus in life... so it was all or nothing - success or failure.  Rather than being drawn to a goal by desire to achieve - I tend to impose the goal on myself by a fear of not reaching them, and see anything less than a perfectly met goal as a failure. I set a pretty high standard and expectation on the results and can become so disappointed by anything less than perfection, failure always has been a very scary prospect.

Using my business background - I knew it was important to pick a statistic or metric that encompassed more than one input.  I looked at goal setting from a holistic approach - concentrating on Body Composition rather than just relying on weight and/or measurements.  If I could hit Body Composition goals, than I was doing all parts of the lifestyle change right - diet and exercise.

So I soon memorized this chart:

So starting at 28.5%, my first self-imposed goal was 24%.  The goal in itself was achievable - however, the timeline that I gave myself was unrealistic.  So - now comes my first failure.  I could have kept all the drama of failure in my head - except that the failure was public.  So I didn't just fail myself, but would disappoint my personal trainer also. I can laugh about it now - but the poor personal trainer didn't know what to say.... I was soo disappointed that I missed that ONE NUMBER, that I refused to look at the other successful numbers (10 lbs and over 7 inches). I was doing everything within my power to not breakdown in tears - or get soo mad that I just ended the session early.  I looked at it as a complete failure. 

And then I went through the stages - anger at myself, denial that I failed, bargaining with myself, and finally acceptance that I failed.  So now it was time to set the next goal... here we go again!

Determined that I was not failing again, I set the next goal as 21%.  The night before weigh in - I went for a little retail therapy and randomly picked up a red dress at my local TJMaxx.  I dubbed it my reality check dress - as I was having a hard time accepting any of the success because of my failures on my unrealistic goals.  After a closet full of size 10-12s, that size 4 Calvin Klein dress was a wake up call.  So I made a deal with myself - that I would venture outside of my comfort zone and wear the dress if I hit the 21% goal. 

But the goal was established with an unrealistic timeline again - and I missed it yet again.  I didn't care how close I came - instead just asking for either yes or no.  I spent the entire session, not knowing how close I came.  A second failure really took an impact on my mind... I refused to acknowledge the success I did have (12 lbs and 7 inches lost). I really wanted to quit at this point - how could I even go into work when my closest co-workers would learn that I failed again.

So how did I get past that 2nd failure? I took a quote I had read - "Fake it until your mind matches" - and made myself wear the red dress to work.  I had never owned a size 4 before in my life!  The reactions and responses from coworkers became the external validation I was looking for that proved I was making positive progress! 

How do I set goals today?  I have added fitness achievement goals to the mix in addition to the body composition.  I'm looking forward to my 2nd Half Marathon in early December, to see if I can beat my personal record.